Poking at your lumps, wondering if you should regret what you said, or apologizing for what you want is an unconscious, normal part of everyday life for you. Until one day, your daughter starts doing the same thing to herself. When she starts insulting her beautiful body, censoring her unique voice, and worrying about what others think of her, it seems cruel and minimizing. You want her to celebrate herself, but when childhood ends, this becomes nearly impossible to do. 

During the teen years, our choices are influenced by who we suspect we should be and how we believe we should act so we can stay in everyone’s good graces and be part of the group. It feels like we have to behave this way; like it’s a fact that we could hurt or anger someone with one wrong word or look. Our reputation and relationships feel delicate and precarious. 

Why? The female, adolescent brain is the culprit. During adolescence, our brain tells us we should doubt ourselves constantly. It tricks us and tells us it’s dangerous to be too self-assured and independent.  

Our doubts are not a choice. When neuroscientists watch the adolescent female brain engaging in everyday social activity, they see a brain under stress. Adolescent females who appear relaxed and engaged actually have brains abuzz with fight or flight activity. Their brains are unconsciously on high alert looking for threats and dangers. Male brains never react like this to social situations. It happens in the brains of adolescent girls and young women.  

What can you do with this information? 

The self-deprecating voice that we developed in adolescence tends to affect our whole lives. As mothers, we can turn the light on for our girls and let them know that this voice is ancient, useless, and untrue. We can encourage them to name that voice, call it out, challenge it. We can give our daughters the chance to turn down that voice and free themselves. We can give them something we never had - a chance to live unencumbered by our own negative “commentator”, in our full power, worthiness, and possibility. 

Right now, your daughter’s brain is developing that voice and she believes what it says. Help her understand that there is an evolutionary part of her brain that wants her to worry about what people think of her. Statistically, any thirteen-year-old girl is more mature, collaborative, communicative, and dependable than a boy her age. She is self-confident, focused, and badass.

She should know it. 

As mothers, when we stand apart from this ancient thinking and tell our daughters the truth, we see a learning opportunity - the work of evolving as women into the future.